These are just thoughts on my heart, so I'm going to share.  I'd been feeling the outskirts of a baby fever starting to come on.  I've been good until now.  And Judah is 20 months.  I've been having almost nightly dreams of getting pregnant or having another baby.  Some of these dreams have felt very real.  Hannah has been coming up to me asking, "if we can have 1...2...3...4.. more babies!"  And she says it just like that.  She says she wants a baby sister.  She absolutely adores it when I babysit.  We had so much fun babysitting this baby girl:

Neither Aaron nor I feel quite ready yet, though.  Most days (when I'm at home) I'm completely exhausted by the end of the day.  I feel like I still don't quite have my "routine" down with two.  We both joke that we are "good for now."  We honestly still feel we have our hands full.  That may sound crazy to those of you who have 3+ kids.  But we are both working full time jobs on top of investing into our marraige and children.  For over a year now, Aaron has had it on his heart to go to nursing school and that is something that he's starting to pursue already, even as he continues his full-time job.  He's been going to school part-time, taking night classes on-line.  Simply put, life is crazy busy right now and it doesn't look like it's going to get any slower any time soon.  This nursing school thing is a 3-5 year investment.  I was very scared of the idea because I know how hard and how dramatic it was for me to go through that at the beginning of our marraige.  For Aaron to go to school full-time would mean I would be bound to continue working to support the family.  I enjoy working, but it has always been a desire of my heart that if I feel led to stay at home full-time, I would be able to do so.  Now, for Aaron to go to school would be me sacrificing that desire. 

So as you can see, it's not a great time to be thinking about babies.  My heart feels so confused sometimes.  I hate not having the time to invest in my marraige like I really want to, how can I even think about having more children?  And then I have the questions/convictions about various types of birth control.  Which birth control does God approve of?  At 5+ plus years of marraige I'm still mulling over this stuff!  I recently learned the birth control I'm on, like most horomonal birth control, doesn't always prevent ovulation (and I've been noticing constistent ovulation signs on a monthly basis), so now I'm all emotional over the fact that who knows how many "fertilized eggs" I've had that haven't stuck.  We could choose to go the more natural route (NFP/FAM) like we have in the past but we never have been so good (together) at being consistent and dedicated.  With a busy schedule like ours, we like to take advantage of what little/available time we have together.  To remain abstinate for 7-10 straight days the middle of the month just doesn't look like it would benefit our marraige, especially if those are the days I have mucho desire.  Definately needs to be taken advantage of when it's there.  And if we happen to slip up, again, like we have the past, that would mean baby #3 in the middle of Aaron's nursing school adventure/Bridget supporting the family.  No beuno. 

Calm my anxious heart.  I yearn for the simple life. 

Folley Beach, SC.

The kids playing in Josh's (Aaron's brother) kitchen.

Judah "helping" daddy with some homework.

Dolled up for the wedding! 

Judah with daddy (Josh's best man) and Hannah Rose all dressed up.

Bride and groom:  Josh & Ali.

We absolutely loved our vacation to South Carolina.  The kids did surprisingly well for the 12 hour drive.  We made a great investment into a portable DVD player for the car and I'd say it was worth every penny.  We noticed a 100% difference from the first time we made the drive when Hannah was Judah's age.  Much, much less screaming children!  What a blessing. 

We had arrived a few days earlier than than all the other guests were arriving.  The majority of Josh and Aaron's family lives in Minnesota.  Ali has a lot of family from Delaware.  We stayed at Josh's condo, hung out and went to the beach.  I was grateful we had a few extra days to relax. 

On Wednesday, when all the family flew in, we transferred to what we adoringly refer to as "the beach house."  We all put in a rented an amazing 5 bedroom luxury home blocks away from the beach.  It was wonderful.  The only stressful thing about it was we were paranoid the children would break something in the home.  And the stairs... we went through about 3 babygates before we could finally get one that was big enough to prevent Judah from climbing up the stairs and tumbling down.  Hannah & her 5 year old cousins demolished the first babygate within 8 hours of us buying it.  Hannah's cousins, Eric and Ethan, have so much nonstop energy, keeping an eye on them was probably the most drainage part of the trip.  But in return for spending time with family that we barely get to see, it was more than worth it! 

All the wedding festivities began when the extended family came into town.  Parties, parties, parties!  Aaron threw Josh a bachelor party on Josh's new father-in-laws boat.  They went tubing, swimming, and did other manly things like attempt to get the groom to wear pink speedos and such.  Later that night, I got to hang out with the bride and her sisters/bridesmaids and get to know them all better.  If any girl knows how to have a good time, it's Ali.  They definitely love to party, in a different way than I did, but whatever floats your boat. 

We hosted (actually Aaron's mom was THE host) the rehearsal dinner at the beach house.  Talk about too many Ervasti's in the kitchen!  The dinner ended up being a huge hit but the period of preparation before was interesting to say the least.  My inlaws must have some secret code of communication because they were all in the kitchen making about 10 different dishes at a time, side to side, working as quickly as possible and I just felt like I was getting in the way.  I had to step out because I was started to feel a little claustrophobic.  It was definitely a site.  I can take 2-3 cooks in the kitchen, but not ten!   

This is the cleanup crew.

The actual wedding was absolutely gorgeous!  It was a fairy-tale wedding.  I had always wanted to get married at a plantation much like the one Josh & Ali were married at.  Everything seemed so perfect.  Such a perfect celebration for a perfect couple.  I was much disappointed that I only got to stay for the wedding and small portion of the reception because Judah started being so bad.  I had imagined being able to enjoy myself much more but before the wedding even started Judah was getting fussy.  So unfortunately, I had to take our kids back to the house alone way before the wedding festivities ended. 

But the Lord met me there, in the big house all by myself, after I tucked the kids into bed.  They were such angels after I brought them back to the house.  They were giggling and snuggling with me and went straight to sleep when I tucked them in.  I realized how worth it is to have children even though that means giving up things that child-free couples can do.  I also got to have a few hours just to think of how thankful I am for such a sweet, handsome, and godly husband.  Watching Josh & Ali in their newlywed bliss reminded me so much of the days right before Aaron and I got married.  And even that much more because I think Josh looks so much like Aaron.  Anyway, it was amazing vacation and how blessed we were to witness Josh and his new bride get married. 

The wedding photographer made a slideshow of the wedding with some wonderful music.  If you're interested in watching it, try clicking here:

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.683709528918.2154857.45707944#!/photo.php?v=2469251455706   

Well, ladies, I'm officially one step closer to being an L&D nurse.  I got hired for the pediatric/post-partum position at our community hospital!  And today was my first day on the floor... taking care of the postpartum mamas! 

I think I had mentioned this earlier, but I was totally not expecting the opportunity to interview for this position.  I had been periodically applying for jobs at our local hospital (closer to home) and had never heard anything back.  Then out of the blue a few weeks ago, I got a call from the director of the Mother-Baby unit wanting to interview.  The interview went amazing and she wanted to hire me right away!  I was floored.   Given, it's a prn job (as needed) without benefits (but with great pay) I was worried how it would work out with my job at Tulane.  The prn job has a one day a week requirement and I didn't want to work total 4 shifts/week.  However, I can't quit my fulltime job for a prn job with no guaranteed hours or benefits, so I was crossing my fingers that my work would allow me to go part-time (2 days/week) so I could work my one day/week at SMH.  My boss at Tulane gave me no issues so I'll be moving to part-time next month. 

My plan is to continue working prn on peds/postartum and start cross-training to the sister units like L&D as soon as I can.  My new manager knows that is my heart's desire and has been very encouraging for me to do so.  She said it just may take a few months.  Everyone has been so welcoming and I'm thrilled to be working at a community hospital closer to home.  If/when a fulltime position becomes avaialable I'll prayerfully take it.  Anyway, I'm so blessed!  Right now it's a juggle during this transition (I'm still fulltime at Tulane trying to orient to SMH).  But God has been opening doors.  Work at Tulane has actually been really slow and I've gotten canceled twice in the last week, which has been great given I just got back from vacation and am starting orientation. 

I will have to update later on our vacation/wedding in South Caroline because it was a BLAST!  God did so much refreshing in our bodies and hearts and it was a blessing to be around so much family that we don't get to see very often.  I have a busy weekend though so I will try to post pics later.  Everyone have a great weekend.   

I'm feeling mighty emotional this morning.  It could be my period, or the fact that my eyes and my heart have just seen a lot of sad things at work the last few weeks. 

I watched a teenager take her last few breaths and go to Jesus.  Heard the pain in her families cries and felt numb and helpless and completely lost.  We had numerous new patients come in the last few weeks and be diagnosed with cancer.  Some of these little ones, the same age of my own children.  Saw the fear and tears pour from a mother and father's faces.  The pain as their children had to be poked and prodded again and again, despite the pain they were already in. 

(Photo taken from Cancer Awareness Facts)

I worked 3 straight shifts over the weekend.  After the first, I really thought I was done with this job and wanted to start looking for something else.  Something less intense, something where I wouldn't feel so completely empty and drained after every shift.  So on my 6am drive on Saturday morning, I prayed and cried, "God, if this day goes anything like yesterday... I'm done.  Having one bad day is one thing but when it last for weeks on end, I can't do this.  So if you really want me to stay at this hospital and work with these kids, I need you to show me a sign.  Let it be a good day." 

I really thought in my heart of hearts that the day would go just like the day before and the ones before that.  Giving blood products to two patients at time, drawing labs every four hours, pain medicine, etc.  But you you know what the miracle was?  It was...  actually a good day!  For the first time in forever, I was able to eat before I felt dizzy and leave on time.  Nobody stopped breathing or had to be transferred to the PICU.  I took care of teenage boy, another new oncology patient, whose family I absolutely fell in love with.  And who fell in love with me.  He's not really sick yet, and I tried my best to guide them through the process and teach them what to expect in the coming weeks.  I could really tell they liked me because they kept asking for me and when I would come back.  I could feel the heart bonds forming, but part of it scares me... because I don't know the end result.  And I don't know how he will do.  How do you balance sharing reality (the reality of having a life-threatening disease) with having faith?  It's hard because I see both sides.  I see the chemo, the side effects, the pain... and I also see the immense love of Jesus the God has for them, strengthening them, urging them to run on.  These cancer patients are just so sick and I've rarely seen any of them get better.  And if they do, they relapse.  Some of them I'm closer to than others and thought of anything happening them makes me immediately think of calling it quits.  I try not to think of it.  And trust that God will give me the strength to get through every shift.  But why them?  Why... a normal healthy 4 year old?  A normal teenager, one of five kids.  It could be my children, or it could be me.  All of this introspection causes me to be more thankful for each and each breath that we take.  Having healthy children is a gift, not a right. 

I'm hoping and praying for many more good days, then bad.  And still think I need a vacation.  We're driving to South Carolina for Aaron's brother's wedding at the end of August.  And I can't wait for that. 

I praise the Lord for healthy growing kids and that our greatest problem has been with Judah's constipation.  I have a 3 year old (who acts more like a 13 year old!) and a 15 month old who grow and glow more by the day.  I'm giving all that I am, and all that I'm not into the hands of God and asking him to use me wherever he wants me.  Whether it's here in the home, or there in the hospital, or both... I pray for the strength to follow.  What a season of growth and learning this is for Aaron and I, even as our little ones are growing.   

"These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates." Deuteronomy 6:6-9 

My heart is taking a shift, back to the place where I am desperate for the Word of God.  It's peace.  It's security.  It's unwavering faithfulness and wisdom.  How much breath and life is found in standing on God's principles.  How much faith and hope is built when are found standing in Him and His ways.

The past days and weeks I've been overwhelmed with doubt and hopelessness, for a variety of reasons.  Perhaps it was for no reason at all, but it has been there.  And in this place of desperation I always find one thing.  Nothing quenches my yearning for hope like the Word of God.  When all else fails, when the world falls around you... He is there standing.  Remaining.  Faithful.  True.  The truth will not lie.  It cannot.  Truth sets the captives free.  There is power in believing.  And if that is so...

Why is it so hard for me to open my Bible sometimes?  Why do days go by that try to satisfy my hunger with other things?  Or numb the hunger pains?  Both my body and my heart feel so weak the easiest way out seems to pretend like the need isn't there.  But oh... how it is.  When I finally dig into the truth it feels like first breath of air after you've been swimming in the ocean, and almost forgot to come up.  The truth is so good.  And I'm wanting to infuse it in my family now. 

Nothing gives life like the One who spoke the world into existence.  Being the perfect housewife will never make my home "feel" like only the love of Jesus can.  Home.  Encouraging and loving my husband may seem to more than I can give right now, after I've been sick, or working, or making the sure the two babies make it 'til bedtime.  But after I've spent time my First Love, love becomes something that resonates simply from who I am.  It's not another task on my to-do list.  I do make an effort to make myself (and the house) look like we haven't just been through hurricane Katrina.  But my husband doesn't want a pristine home or flawless wife when he comes home... he wants love. 

The kids are so good at that.  When daddy comes home it's giggles and smiles and hugs.  Mommy on the other hand, often feels it takes all I have left to collapse on the couch, and nod and smile and blow a kiss!  But at the end of the day, we are in the same boat.  Two tired, young parents, both working, one nights... one days... yearning to love and hold our family together.  Striving to dream both for the future and for today, forming the foundation for the rest of our lives, and our children's lives.  It's no easy task.  We've stayed up many nights (foregoing even more hours of sleep), talking, praying, crying, laughing... trying to figure what the heck we're suppose to do next. 

And this is where God comes in.  The more we try to do this thing called "life" by ourselves, we realize we can't.  But God has given us somewhat of a road manual in the Bible.  Unlocking those treasures and finding those pearls of wisdom in his Word, is absolutely fascinating.  God has answer to every prayer.  It may not be what we always want to hear, but I guarantee He says something about in his Word. 

I've started printing our scriptures and taping them to doors, and cabinets and walls.  I know, artistic, right?  I don't care if it is or isn't cool by home decor standards, all I know is I need some Truth in my life.  And this full-time mom/wife/nurse doesn't always have to time sit and have a one hour quiet time most mornings.  Quiet time?  Really?  My morning start at 6:30am by the baby screeching due to his dirty diaper or Hannah begging to eat cereal and watch Barney.  I may get a few minutes in the afternoon to reflect while they nap but usually I'm preparing to work my 12 hour night shift so a nap seems much more tempting.  We're busy and tired, but regardless of whether I'm working or not, I know the Word of God can give me something that nothing else can. 

No matter how many hours of sleep I get, no matter how fussy the kids are, not matter what sort of mood my husband comes home in... truth doesn't change.  Being close to the God who intricately fashioned you, brings peace.  Knowing He doesn't promise and easy life and that He's walked the road before you, brings comfort.  Knowing you don't have to do, plan, prepare or bang walls down to get where you're going... because HE is the one directing and opening doors for you... brings rest.  

So back to the scripture cards.  It first started because I was having a really hard time with the kids, and finally out of desperation plopped open my Bible.  I land in Isaiah 44.  A passage full of promises and exactly what I needed at the moment.  "For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the dry ground; I will pour out my Spirit on your offspring, and my blessing on your descendants. They will spring up like grass in a meadow, like poplar trees by flowing streams."  I decided to tape the scriptures on the doorways of Hannah and Judah's bedrooms so that every time I was sending Hannah to her room or fighting with them for naps, I would remember... God's promises for my kids.   

I then thought how great it would be to surround myself with scripture and put them on my fridge...

And on my closet door...

Really, whatever area of your life feel convicted in?  Back it up with scripture.  Don't just feel guilty for no reason.  Do something about it.  Find out what God has to say.  And live by it.  That is my yearning today. 

We had a guest speaker, Bill Hughes, missionary to Thailand, come and speak at our church Sunday.  His message stuck with me.  It was the "Discipline of Celebration."  He said, "God wants our lives to be filled with hope.  If you don't have hope, the confident expectation that God has good in store for you, then the devil has deceived you."

How much longer will we be deceived?  God has given us a Bible full of promises, that He loves to hear us quote.  Remind your Daddy what He said He would do and build your faith as you watch those lies disappear. 

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Since parenting little ones is a huge part of what's been on my heart.  I wanted to share a few resources that I've discovered over the past few weeks.

1) On Discipline.  "Children Desiring God" (www.childrendesiringgod.org) specifically, this video: Disciplining Kids with the End in View.  I haven't done a lot of browsing on the website but I LOVED watching the hour long video!  I don't know about everyone else but my church doesn't do a lot of educating other than "spare the rod, spoil the child."  As a young parent, I need more than that.  And over the last 3 years I've done more soul searching, and scripture searching then ever before, in the area of discipline.  And it's something we're letting God teach us.  Being a parent is humbling and I found this video very useful and it gave me a lot of answers that I had been searching for. 

1) Practical Learning for Toddlers.  "I Can Teach My Child" http://www.icanteachmychild.com/- a preschool teacher turned stay-at-home-mom blogger who shares tones of creative ideas for teaching your little ones at home.  I love that she has activities you can do not with just preschool age, but babies and toddlers as well.

2) Print-outs for learning ABC's http://www.first-school.ws/INDEX.HTM

Any other resources that you all have found?  Send them my way.